Least Destructive, Most Productive
Every ending requires a little collateral damage.
We spend half our time getting wrapped up in situations and the other half untangling ourselves from them. Society calls it commitments, responsibilities, and chasing our dreams. Whatever you call it, you know that feeling when you’re walking deeper and deeper into a situation that requires more commitment and responsibility from you.
Once we arrive at our desired destination: a job, relationship, mortgage, or vacation, and spend a little time embodying this version of life we’ve always dreamed of, nature's feedback loop returns the results in the form of some feelings.
On the occasions that we are not satisfied, we realize it’s not what we thought it would be, or we no longer feel the same way because we’ve changed in the process of getting there, or maybe we were duped.
Whatever the cause, we find ourselves fondling the rip cord, side-eyeing the emergency exit, or secretly playing Paul Simons’ 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover on repeat. We’re itching to get out. This is the untangling phase. I’ve struggled with both sides of this process. But walking back my words, promises, and actions takes the longest to digest.
When I was married, I spent years thinking about divorce; granted, it’s not an easy situation to navigate, and I wanted to be sure I wouldn't regret my decision, but I spent way too long hesitating because of how it would look to the outside, how much time I’d already invested into the situation (a sunk cost), and of course how the other person in this relationship will recover after it's all over.
When I decided I wasn’t happy at work, I spent eight months thinking about leaving, rationalizing why I was quitting, fearing that I was giving up on the company, disappointing my colleagues and boss (whom I admired and wanted to please), and walking away from the financial security that most people would only dream about. I wanted to politely, respectfully, get the fuck out of there.
There is no way to avoid collateral damage when you unwind a situation. A cloud of hurt, waste, and unmet expectations will linger in the air for a while, all while you fantasize about taking a red pen to the narratives being created about you.
Unfortunately, these unintended consequences erupt from the pressure cooker of commitment and responsibility.
Even more unfortunate is that you have no other option – remaining miserable will cost you more in the end because it leads to compounding failure. Operate from a place of fear, avoidance, and a scarcity of joy, and you will attract more of the same. Tolerate one asshole, and you will build your appetite for shit. This is how an emotional black hole starts to form, and you need to take action before more time and matter disappear.
Once I accepted some level of destruction would be inevitable, I focused on minimizing it while still doing what was suitable for me. I didn’t walk out with a 2-week notice. I gave my boss a blank check in terms of my last day. I offered to stay as long as they needed to find someone they would be excited to bring on and offered to help through the transition. It took another nine months, but that was my version of the least destructive path.
Each one of us knows what a situation requires.
Rumi said it best when he wrote, “Somewhere beyond right and wrong, there is a garden. I will meet you there.”
And sometimes, the garden gets a little trampled.